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Subject: My final hymn
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emocute 28.05.09 - 12:55am
Today is going to be the worst day of my life, I can sense it. I always seems to know what will happen during the day. But today I do not. What is wrong with me? Am i loosing myself again? I can't do that...not this time. Maybe it is my heart telling me to let go? Could it be? Could this finally be the end of the heartache? 'NO!...Amy stay strong...Do not give up hope. She needs you' I wish that voice would just go away. I need her friendship. Even though she hurt me bad. I need someone else. 'No Amy...you do need her' Leave me alone...just please go...get out. I have enough to deal with. And that picture, the one that keeps arising in my dreams. Except it isnt just in my dreams anymore...everywhere i go...everything i do, it is there. Haunting, torturing my every move. I just can't bare the thought...tubes in every available vein, her not knowing who or where she is and that d*mn machine. The one keeping her alive. It makes me sick. My stomach twists, turns and curdles whenever my phone goes.
There I go again. Going off track as usual. Now...back to the day. I should really try and stay safe but that probably will not happen. Me? Stay safe? I highly doubt that. I wonder if she will know who I am if i go to see her, or even if I am there. She won't will she. Will i ever get to say my final goodbye? How long until she dies? All these unanswered questions linger in my brain. Will they ever be answered? I guess they will...when it all happens. SNAP OUT OF IT AMY! I tell myself for the trillionth time. I wish there could be a pill to stop the aching and breaking of my heart. One to make everything go back to normal. What about that bullet...the one I carved her name into . 'AMY! That was for her...the one who broke your heart' It is for me now...she has me smitten again. 'Smitten? F.ucking smitten? Amy, do not think about her. That bullet was intended for her and still is. As long as I am here to guide you, you will not be smitten for much longer' PLEASE JUST F.UCK OFF! Great. The tears are rolling down my face again. Will I ever stop crying? I hate it, I hate this. Why can't it just go away?
All I need is a gun. Who do I know who owns a gun? Will my grandpa's pistol work? It will. 'Amy...don't do this. You can be strong. You do not need a gun' F.uck the voices. F.uck everything. Nobody is here to stop me and I am glad. I'm just going to ignore that voice. Now where did I put down my vodka. A few bottles of this and I will not feel a thing. Quick and easy, no mess just BANG! and that will be the end of me. Will it hurt? Oh what do I care...just drink Amy. Drink the pain away. That seems like a good idea to me. Drink these bottles and then go into the kitchen and do it. No second thoughts. Pull the trigger and go.
I can't stand up anymore. How am I going to get the bullet in the gun? Oh f.uck it I'll try. There! It is in. Just one more bottle to go. Jesus! It hasn't taken me that long to drink 6 bottles. One more. 'Stop this...go to sleep. Get rest. Everything will be okay when you wake up' Get the picture...the only way I will be sleeping is eternal sleep. What will be my final hymn? Alive Out Of Habit - From Autumn To Ashes? Yes! That seems like a good final song.
No goodbye's, nothing. Good! I am glad I haven't bothered. I do not want to be stopped. The final bottle is empty. It is time. I wonder what it is going to feel like. F.ucking great I suppose. No more worries. That sounds peaceful. Gun to head and BANG!... *
